Lilli's Talk and Thoughts


I’m Lilli, one of the antagonists in HADA’S FOG.  Of course, I don’t think I’m an antagonist, but I know I caused a lot of trouble for the Zuckerman family–life and death trouble. I’m fifteen and I want to figure out how to be a better person. You can check how I’m doing on this page and since I’m often an outcast, I’d really like comments from you. I’ll even let you take some peeks at my diary, read my texts, and maybe listen in on my cell phone. I have to get it together before Julaina finishes my story. She calls it a young adult novel. She promised that I’ll be the protagonist this time. That means I have to be good.

Present Thoughts about the Past

The only thing worse than high school is middle school. I didn’t fit in with the cute girls clique. Godiva, my mother, said it was because I was prettier than they were so they wouldn’t include me. I skipped third grade, but I didn’t fit in with the nerds either. I don’t have to study much to pass tests and I like to have fun. They didn’t. I’m sort of athletic, but I don’t care much for team sports.  I love music but don’t want to play an instrument and the band kids thought I was too weird. Anyway,  not much  changed for me in social groups, except when I became a junior, at least the senior boys liked me. And I sure liked older guys. Still do. Godiva said I shouldn’t get a reputation with them. If I wasn’t careful, I’d end up like her. That’s not going to happen because my father said I’d be a terrific actress. I was practicing for a movie career when I got into all that trouble. But, more about that later.

Present Texts

Lilli texts:  Stacey, u’ll get +. BTW I’ve been called worse names n brat. Ur mama’s cool.

Lilli texts:  Fun I am L. Winfred, from yr Lady Lilli. So kind of u 2 stop by.

Email to Sheri

Hi Sheri,  Thanks for reading about me. Julaina says you have a cute dog, two dogs. I like animals. But I don’t agree with what I’ve read that animals live in the now. People who say that haven’t really looked into the eyes of a dog or cat. If the animal had a hard life, it shows in their eyes. Their suffering is there. It’s the past coming through.

When I was on the streets in Oakland (oops, Julaina doesn’t want me to talk about those times…spoils the plot of my story. Who cares?) Anyway, when I was on the streets making my rounds, I had dog and cat friends (they make better friends than people do). They remembered me every time. If they only lived in the now, they wouldn’t have memories of me petting them and talking to them. I could tell they knew me deep down, you know what I mean?  Like they saw the suffering in my eyes, they understand what the past is, mine and theirs.

And the future, they worry about the future like when their tummies growl, they wonder when they’ll be fed. What about when they’re tied up outside a restaurant while their owners are inside gorging themselves and the dog is all nervous and howling and wondering why they’re left alone in a strange place and when the one they love will come back. They’re scared, like I was.

Anyway, I wish I had a dog, or a cat, or a bird, or a monkey, or ……..

Email to J.K. Royce

Hi J.K.,

Julaina told me to read your novel, PILZ, so I did. I’m interested in addictions because my mother, Godiva, is an alcoholic. She took prescription drugs for a while but every time I found ’em, I made sure they went down the toilet.  She couldn’t get anymore.


My mother’s doctor wasn’t like the doctors in J.K. Royce’s PILZ.  I guess she didn’t know how to find ‘em. She’s not too clever, couldn’t graduate from high school and the alcohol is not only rotting her liver, it’s getting to her brain. My smart genes came from my father, but he’s a real piece of work too. Wait ‘till you read what he did when I got in trouble.

In high school, I drank too much, but not enough to get addicted. Abe, Hada’s younger son, made sure of that. He helped me more than anyone in my whole life ever did. But, you can read all that in HADA’S FOG. Julaina finished her query letter and has a list of agents to contact. Maybe she’ll finally get it published. I hope you don’t hate me too much when you read the novel. Out of all the people who read the drafts, only one person (Rebecca) liked me. That gives you an idea how bad I was. Abe’s the favorite. Everyone likes Abe.

I think J. K. Royce likes me so that makes two friends I have besides Esther, Hada’s granddaughter.  I’ve learned that friends are important.

Email to J.K. Royce

Hey, J.K.

I forgot to tell you what I’ve been reading about addictions. I found Dr. Pillai’s website and signed up for his daily messages. He talked about addictions the day I found him. He said addiction “has a time component” because it holds on to an old moment that’s been repeated in the past so it’s done again and again. He scared me when he said, “The addictions may change from one thing to another, but the addiction remains.” I think that means  I am an addict after all. I gave up alcohol, but I’m having a real hard time giving up the other addiction I have, the one that started my passion for acting. Or, maybe my passion for acting started the other addiction. But, Julaina won’t let me tell you any more about it. Spoils the plots. Do you think a person goes from one addiction to another when they stop one?

Anyway, J.K. Royce, I hope PILZ made a hit on Kindle over the weekend. Can’t beat a book for free, specially yours that’s worth a hella lot more than I paid on Amazon. I think I’ll read it again.

Your friend,



Hi again, Lilli. I was so happy to hear from you. You asked if I thought a person goes from one addiction to another. I’m not an addiction expert, but I think that many people who suffer from one addiction are susceptible to others. There is even a term for it: it’s called an addictive personality. As I understand it, it means that the person easily becomes addicted to pleasurable things to help them cope with serious emotional problems or pressure or stress. The addiction can be alcohol, drugs, food, sex – well you get the point. You’ve faced some serious challenges in your young life, so maybe you are looking for ways to deal with them. I hope you find someone who can help you understand that you aren’t weird or bad, you are unique and special. Maybe when you really believe that, you won’t need to look for destructive ways to cope. Keep me posted, and I’m always here if you need to talk.

Cell Phone Call to Godiva

Lilli:  Ma? Ma! I know you picked up.

Godiva:  mmmmm?

Lilli: Can you hear me?

Godiva: Lilli?

Lilli: Yes, Ma, it’s me, Lilli,

Godiva: Youokay?

Lilli: I’m fine. I have a friend.

Godiva: What?

Lilli: I have a new friend….on email. She’s an author.

Godiva: mmmm

Lilli: She wrote a book about drugs.

Godiva: Drugs?

Lilli: Yeah. J.K. Royce. The book is PILZ on Amazon.

Godiva: Amazon? That’stoofar.

Lilli:  Never mind, Ma. You’re wasted. Later.



September 11, 2013

OMG!  Julaina is going to give me my own blog. She said when I had more than a couple followers, I could have my own. I do, I do have followers, I think. There’s my friend, J.K. Royce, and Sheri, Lady Winfred, and Stacey, oh, and P. C. Chinick too. Sooo, that means I follow their blogs. I know J.K.’s is about Europe and PILZ. I want to read Sheri’s posts about her dog. Stacey cracks me up. I don’t think Lady Winfred has a blog yet. And P.C. Chinick, I love historical novels.  I can’t wait to read hers. Julaina says she writes about her protagonist’s parents.

I have enough. I have more than a couple. OMG!

I have to think of a picture for my About Me page. Father took all my movie interview photos. He’s such a f______ b______. Julaina says I can’t swear so I better not say what I think of him. He took everything, the photos, the cameras, my laptop, my money, my suitcase, the car, even the food, the f_______ food.  And then locked the door to the house! I had to break in to get my clothes. What kind of a father does that? He fought Ma for custody and then he leaves, leaves me to go back to her?  But I didn’t, no, not that liquor infested hellhole. Homeless on Oakland’s streets was better…almost.

I have to forget about all that. It’s over.  Esther will take a picture of me for my blog with my cell phone. I’m going to look at the WordPress themes. I can choose my own. OMG!

Email to J.K. Royce

Hey, J.K., my friend,

Not to worry about me. I have a home now and food. I can’t tell you where I am for two reasons. It would spoil my story, the YA novel Julaina is writing.  If you knew where I am, you’d know the end before the beginning.  AND, I don’t want Samuel, the other antagonist from HADA’S FOG, to know where I am. He got violent in my book. I’m safe as long as he doesn’t know.

What a great friend you are to be concerned about me. Wow, besides Esther (who is two years younger than me and my dearest friend), I’ve never had a friend like you.

Julaina is working on my very own blog so maybe we can communicate there next week. She’s having technical trouble. I picked the pictures already. We found one of a lily in Oakland. We hope you’ll like it.

Bye for now.


Email to Gary

Hi Gary,

Nice of you to follow me. I asked Julaina who you are and she said you like to write Sci-Fi and paranormal. I”m gonna like reading your stories.  She’s having WordPress problems with my blog, but in the meantime you can take a look at what we’ve done so far at I picked out the lily with the Oakland background. But WordPress keeps thinking I’m Julaina. Ya know it’s just hard to become famous. I didn’t make it as an actress and now I can’t even be famous for my own blog. Guess she’ll figure it out.

Later, Gary

Email to Sheri

Good Evening, Mrs. Sheri de Grom,

I’m trying to be more sophisticated.  I think Good Evening sounds like I’m mature and well-bred. (Well-bred I’m not but I can pretend I am.) Anyway, I like that you told me about your dog. As soon as Julaina gets me set up with my own blog, I’ll read and follow yours. If you see Gary’s email I just wrote, you can preview how far we got and you’ll know she’s having trouble with it. She’s teaching her classes tomorrow so it’s not going to happen for another couple days. It’s hard to wait for something you really, really want. I’ve always had to wait for everything.  I wish I could give your dogs a hug right now. They’d make me feel better.

Sincerely, (does that sound mature too?)

Lilli (I don’t like my last name so I won’t do the formal thing there.)


I ‘spose I should meditate on impatience. I pushed to be a great actress and forgot I was acting. I pushed to have Samuel and that got both of us in so much trouble. I pushed to make Hada like me and I almost killed her by accident. I just wanted her to include me in her family, but she hated me.  I won’t push Julaina for the blog or she might change her mind. I can have patience if I try.



13 thoughts on “Lilli's Talk and Thoughts”

  1. Genius way to make us really, really, really want more. I love listening to Lilli and you’ve got her voice perfect. Plus, through her dialogue, I feel I know her – pretty, smart, sensitive, and a bit lost.


    1. Hi Lilli,
      Sorry about your mother’s addiction, both to alcohol and drugs. Drugs can cause so much pain. In PILZ, Casey Lawrence saw so many sad things happen because doctors sold drugs for profit. Even people who aren’t buying the drugs illegally can get a false sense that if the drugs were prescribed they can’t be harmful. I hope you have someone you can talk to about your mother’s problems.


      1. Hey, J.K. (I like your author ID),
        Casey Lawrence was brave. I had to be really brave too when I was homeless. I wish my mother liked to read, I’d give her my copy of PILZ. Half the time she doesn’t know her own name. No, I don’t have anyone to talk to about her problems, not even my friend Esther. I keep it a secret, except Abe and Lev guessed, but I never told them how bad it was. I’ll tell you a little bit more in my blog post today.

        Your friend,


  2. Hi again, Lilli. I was so happy to hear from you. You asked if I thought a person goes from one addiction to another. I’m not an addiction expert, but I think that many people who suffer from one addiction are susceptible to others. There is even a term for it: it’s called an addictive personality. As I understand it, it means that the person easily becomes addicted to pleasurable things to help them cope with serious emotional problems or pressure or stress. The addiction can be alcohol, drugs, food, sex – well you get the point. You’ve faced some serious challenges in your young life, so maybe you are looking for ways to deal with them. I hope you find someone who can help you understand that you aren’t weird or bad, you are unique and special. Maybe when you really believe that, you won’t need to look for destructive ways to cope. Keep me posted, and I’m always here if you need to talk.


  3. Good morning Lilli. I see that you called your mother. It looks like it was a frustrating call. But, I am so proud of you for making the effort. From your perspective it may not make it any easier, but your mother has an illness and your willingness to keep the channels of communication open are a lifeline for her. So, good for you. I have a suggestion. You don’t have to accept it, and you might want to think about it for a while, but there is a group with which you might want to connect. It’s They can’t make your mother well. That’s something that won’t happen until she’s ready. What they might be able to do is help you cope. You might even find friends there. You will find that you aren’t alone.

    Have a great day Lilli, and remember, you are a very special young woman.


  4. Lilli – I apologize dear for taking so long in getting back to you with a response. You may remember my husband, Tom, isn’t well and I haven’t checked messages for a bit. Julaina is correct in telling you I have two cute dogs. I’ll go a step further and tell you they are absolutely adorable and I think you’d really like them. They are two balls of fluff and never meet a stranger, yet are willing to stay back until the person they are meeting for the first time indicates she’d like to shake hands.

    I also know that most people believe animals live in the now. However, I hope Julaina doesn’t get miffed with me but I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’ve also been told over and over that animals cannot remember past 5 minutes ago and that’s just not true.

    Tom’s shit zue, Scooter, was severely abused by a woman the first year of his life and left out in freezing rain that turned into an ice storm. When he was rescued, he was within a few hours of dying. I won’t go into all the details but it took a lot of time to gain his trust and to this day he cannot cope with extremes in temperature. This tells me his body remembers that horrid time in this life. Further, it was almost 5 years before I could pick him up without him biting me. I believe that’s because he was beaten severely by another woman. He never tried to bite Tom. This dear little man has memory. When he lived with his foster parents before we adopted him, he was in their back yard and hit in the head with a big acron that fell by chance from a tree. To this day (12 years later) unless Tom or I are holding Scooter, he lays under a piece of furniture. I’m convinced it’s to protect his head.

    My shih tzu, Miss Prissy, was eight years old when she came to live with us and she just celebrated her 14th birthday. She still thinks she’s a puppy as she loves to play ball, run and leap and all kinds of silly things like puppies do. She was a mill mother for the first 8 years of her life and lived in one of those tiny wire cages the puppy mill farms use. Her last litter was just 1 pup and the owners were going to destroy her because she was no longer useful to them. She’s one of the most loving dogs I’ve me in my life. Now that she’s not in a cage, she runs and runs and runs some more. She rarely walks anywhere. I believe she remembers those years because when we are out walking and if she happens to see anyone walking puppies, she insist we turn around and go the opposite direction. Neither does she want children petting her. Her world is strictly adult now and I can’t say as I blame her.

    I’m sure I’m sharing far more than Julaina had any intentions, but I wanted you to know that my little guys have past lives and it’s unconditional love that allows them to live in the present. If they were on the streets of Oakland, I bet you’d be able to look into their eyes and see their past pain and suffering.

    Sometimes we are placed in situations where it seems dogs and cats are better friends than the people that surround us. I think if you met up with the animals you once knew, they would remember you on a basic instinct level. However, I understand Julaina may not want you to return to the streets of Oakland and I’d ask you on her behalf to stay where you are safe.

    I agree with you that our animals understand the depth of our suffering. I’ve written a series of blogs about my cat Morti that I traveled all over the world with and how when I first met him, I didn’t want a cat at all. I’ll be writing more blogs about Morti in the future. If you’d like to read about him and the relationship we shared, let me know and I’ll send you the info. Morti go me through some of the darkest hours of my life. I’ve also written about how our shih tzus have played the role of doctor dog over and over with Tom. I’m convinced they feel our pain.

    Like you, I can’t stand to see a dog tied up anywhere. If God had wanted dogs to be tied up, he would have created them with a rope or chain around their neck. I’m a strong advocate in my state for making it illegal for tying a dog up. If an animal is outside, it must be in an enclosed yard.

    Now that you are older, perhaps you’d like to learn how to do advocacy work on behalf of the animals you love. It’s a great way to channel anger and you do good work at the same time.

    I’ve gone on and on. I hope I’ve helped you understand a little of what I believe about animals and I think we are somewhat on the same wave length. If you are unable to have your own dog or cat at the present time, could you maybe volunteer at a local shelter or even work at a local pet store (I don’t like pet stores but they are necessary in our economy).

    Most of all, remember you are special and that you are loved by many. Sometimes it’s just hard to believe it. Sheri


  5. I enjoy reading Lilli’s thoughts as an insight to how she sees the world. She seems to be trying to take her life into her own hands. Did you know the name Lilli symbolizes innocence; purity and beauty?


  6. Lilli, where are you staying now? You left home. I understand the reason for that! You were on the streets of Oakland. Not okay. You would be in such danger. You don’t want to be with your mother. Again, I understand but I am terribly worried about where you are. Maybe I missed it in a prior blog, but please let me know that you are someplace safe, someplace where you can get food and the support you need while you struggle with so many problems. If you don’t have such a place, maybe I can help you find a temporary place. Let me know.


  7. Well, Lilli, you have one more follower now. Hope Julaina gets your blog up and running soon. I’m enjoying hearing about you. Of course, the things I’m hearing aren’t so enjoyable. I am always concerned about young people especially when there are so many problems for them to try to handle.J.K. Royce has some wonderful things to tell you so hope you are listening. And I hope you are able to get off the streets of Oakland soon. Not a good place to be.


  8. Okay, Lilli. I understand why you can’t tell me where you are. I guess I have to be satisfied knowing you are safe. You are safe, aren’t you? I glad you are getting your own blog. Exciting things are happening in your life and I’m happy for you.


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